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5FM Mornings
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Leigh-Ann Mol
News Anchor |
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Thabo Modisane
Executive Producer |
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Damon Kalvari
Thabo's Assistant |
| The News Anchor, the animal whisperer, the lush. Leigh-Ann is very rude to Gareth, which seems to amuse lots of people – she also lives with about 36 cats, which should make her worried. Leigh-Ann provides backing vocals on some little-known trance hits. Her bizarre form of Norwegian throat singing is entirely unique.
Executive Producer, struggle hero, father of two and music expert. Sometime Master of the Universe. Thabo has an enormous office on the 27th floor of the SABC building with a thick-pile carpet and a giant oak desk. His diary is full until 2010. Thabo’s only serious lack of judgement seems to have been the hiring of his assistant, Damon.
Content Producer, whipping boy, and still living at home with his parents – although he has found a girlfriend, the mysterious Berenice. Damon is the genetic twin of actor Richard Kind (look him up) – who played Paul Lassiter on Spin City. He’s much more annoying though. Damon weighs a whopping 130 kg and is depressed.
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Reuben Goldberg
Roving reporter |
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Bra' Matthews
Phuza Thursday Shop Steward |
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Sias Du Plessis
Sports expert |
| Reuben is our sometime News and Sport stand-in, and he likes to shout. Reuben is also 68 years old and very hairy. His knowledge of current affairs and his opinions on matters of importance are in sharp contrast to Leigh-Ann’s total lack of interest. Reuben collects Tartar Sauce bottles.
Bra’ Matthews has championed the cause of Phuza Thursday since Gareth nominated him as first Shop Steward in early 2007. He is the official in charge of t-shirt allocations, Phuza Thursday rules and the Phuza Thursday promotion council. Bra’ Matthews downs two bottles of Jack every Thursday, leads by example, and never, ever drives drunk. “It’s Phuuuuuuuuza Thezday!” is his only intelligible quote in 20 years.
Our sports coach, resident corny joke-teller, and Durban boy. He loves all sport, even though he has put on quite a bit of weight since starting the show in January. Sias has ginger hair is unlikely to father an Indian baby. He has a pretty wife and lives about 914km away from the studio in the deep Free State. He is an avid Newcastle United supporter, even though he has never been to Newcastle. Curious…
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Mabale Moloi
Trafficologist |
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Jennifer Su
Entertainment Guide |
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Kel
The Naked Exercise Boy |
| The caller who made it into the studio, senior trafficologist and taunter of Gareth. Mabale fears nothing – being from Qwa Qwa, she isn’t used to much. She now fearlessly leads Gareth’s Girls and occasionally presents programmes on Soweto Community Television. Mabale’s ex-boyfriend, Tlaranthlope makes regular, unpopular visits to the studio from Qwa Qwa on a donkey-cart.
Hollywood reporter extraordinaire, Jen’s parents were on the last boat out of China before Mao could hunt them down. Jen also presents the financial update on Summit television and SA Business Report on SKY News. She has two children and takes photographs of everything. She is also Barbra Streisand’s only friend.
Kel wakes up every morning and does his exercises naked. While this is disturbing, he inspires a lot of fat people to do the same, so his contribution mustn’t be poo-pooed.
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George
The Caller |
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Suelette
No.1 Fan |
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Management
5FM Bosses |
| George the Caller does what he does best, and that is, call. George often has very insightful, thought provoking things to say, that will really make you introspective of your llife, and the world around you. But we\'ll never really know more than that, because George gets cut off, before he can share anything more than "Hello Gareth". George has become an enigma.
Suelette is a fan of the show. She lives in the farthest corner of the East Rand and is married to Gert, a panelbeater. At the age of 18 she had already given birth to 4 children and now runs a boerewors caravan from her Dad’s plot.
Management are in charge of 5FM. They worship the devil and devour infants.
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Elizabeth
The Homeless Woman |
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Kirk Douglas
Ageing Star |
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Fabio
The Love Professor |
| Elizabeth has no house and lives under a bridge near Mouille Point in Cape Town. If she had a house to plug in her radio, she would listen to our show. Whenever Gareth feels guilty about anything he buys her airtime for her cell phone, which was stolen for her by her son.
Since his stroke, Kirk has struggled to get radio work, or even eat a solid meal – but we gave him the job of introducing Leigh-Ann’s News. He still does this, but only when his wife and curator untie his bonds. What keeps Kirk going is his pride in his son, Michael Douglas.
Fabio is the Professor of Love. He has been in the business of spreading romance, love and sexiness since puberty. Fabio is currently Head of Department in the German Love Hospital in Baden Hautkopf unter Ulm in Bavaria. His infrequent appearances on the show depend largely on the presence of attractive women and envelopes filled with money. Rest assured, if there’s a girl, he’ll charm her. It is rumoured that he even conceived a child with Feminist stalwart Gloria Steinem, such is his magnetism.
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John Schmerkowitz, Bernie Berkowitz and Arnie Malpractowitz
The Law |
| Resident firm of attorneys utilised by The Gareth Cliff Show – a moderately-sized firm, founder John Schmerkowitz prides himself on scrupulous work and finding all manner of loophole. Schmerkowitz, Berkowitz and Malpractowitz have performed services as official auditors of all our competitions, regularly represent Gareth before the Broadcasting Complaints Commission, and have overseen complaints against Damon for dropping calls and non-performance of duties.
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Idols
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Andriette Norman
Idols 2007 runner-up |
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Munro Du Toit
Second runner-up |
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Jody Williams
Idols 2007 winner |
| Andriette came second, so if Jody hurts herself, she will stand in at Muizenberg High School. Under Randall's management, she has entered many karaoke competitions. At her beauty salon, for every 2 pedicures, she'll sing you a song. Great deal!
Munro du Toit, who came third has, since the end of Idols been living with Leigh-Ann Mol in Parkhurst. He is only seen leaving the house to buy bread and condoms, humming happily to himself...
Jody won Idols in December 2007. Since then she has been at home with her parents, and has performed at Muizenberg High School and Canal Walk Shopping Centre. Jody's song is played on stations in Mpumalanga. | |
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Randall Abrahams
Judge, Straight Talker |
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Mara Louw
Judge, Female vocalist |
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Dave Thompson
Judge, Industry Pro |
| Randall is the grumpy, crotchety nay-sayer. You must know this, even if you've only seen the show once. He gets cross when singers screw up songs, and never just lets it go. He takes it personally and dishes it out personally as well. There is no middle ground. Having said that, Randall has a wicked sense of humour and tells filthy jokes. He can also party up a storm. Randall is currently busy knifing pensioners and desecrating churches. Mara is the kind and caring mother on the panel. Apart from the odd fanatical outburst or spontaneous tantrum, Mara is sweet and nurturing. She takes singing very seriously and is obsessed with peeeeeetch – which apparently has something to do with which notes fit where on the scale. She performs at theatres, concerts and cabarets. Mara has been very busy belting out high notes at Gold Reef City in the musical Hairspray Dave is the wise old sage and cynical music industry pro. Regardless of his complete lack of style (he would confess to this himself), Dave is actually very caring, kind and considerate to the contestants – well, maybe from the Top 5 show on… Dave has two kids and they judge him all the time, so don’t think he’s mean on Idols. Dave supports Manchester United, but isn’t Indian. Dave is the Marketing boss at Sony BMG, a record company that exploits many great artists. | |
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Colin Moss
Idols Host |
| Colin Moss is the host of the show. He likes wearing women’s underwear and is obsessed with timepieces and his own grooming. Colin is surrounded by a permanent force of female admirers wherever he goes. He loves none of them so much as he loves his old Mustang. Since Idols IV ended, Colin has been converted into a Ken-doll and is selling like hot-cakes. | |
Gareth's Girls
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Mabale Moloi
Spunky |
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Lyndell Klasse
Shorty |
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Ntombi Masilela
Sporty |
| Mabale Moloi - "Spunky"... the baby of the group - aka Maybelline, Maybellicious or Abzi Wabzi XVIII. Born in the Hamlet of Qwa-Qwa, went to High School in Bloemies, attended Varsity in KZN and obtained a BSC degree before she was "plucked" out of the airwaves to join the team. Now Trafficologist on Gareth Cliff's show - 5FM Mornings - and News Reader for Soweto TV. Believes in laughter at least once a day, and to generally not take yourself too seriously! Lyndell Klasse - "Shorty" - pint-sized power-packed dynamo - aka Lyndellicious or Lyns. Hails from PE (or more fondly known as the "armpit" of South Africa), studied at Rhodes University for a BSS degree in Industrial Psychology, English Language and Linguistics. Now part of the OneonOne team, a company specializing in radio advertising and production. Dancing is her first love - from Ballet to Hip Hop - and enjoys thought provoking conversations and just having fun in general - lots of fun! Ntombi Masilela - "Sporty" - the first Black female rally driver in SA - aka Ntombilicious. Born and lives in Soweto and studied Sports Management and Project Management is currently a System Administrator for Arivia.kom. Crazy about sports - has partcipated in all sport except swimming, and actively participates in motor sport - "rally" started as a navigator and on the path to being a driver. Quiet, feminine and gracious but drives like a demon! | |
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Mpho Ramorola
Sultry |
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Bellinda Selby
Sassy |
| Mpho Ramorola - "Sultry" - a smile that can melt a thousand summers - aka Mpholicious, Mpopo, Audrey or Jennifer - work that one out! Born in Orlando, Soweto, bred in vereeniging, educated in both JHB and PMB where she obtained a B.A degree in English and Psychology... and later came to Jhb to look for a J.O.B Now is the Creative Coordinator for the TBWA advertising group. Although sensitive and reserved, she loves to teach and learn. Bellinda Selby - "Sassy" - says it like it is - aka Bellindalicious or Bee. 20 Something... grew up and studied in Durban in the field of Marketing and Project Management. Now the Executive Assistant for the CEO of TBWA Hunt Lascaris. This is the songstress of the group - watch out Leona Lewis! When she dies, she'd like her tomb-stone to read: " To all those she owed money to - u saw this coming didn't ya?!" | |
Days of our mornings
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The Narrator
(?) |
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Lerisha
(63) |
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Judge Wilfred Nkomo
(52) |
| Though not technically a member of the cast, he has been with the show for years, and would see an opportunity to sue us if we didn’t include him. He is a functional alcoholic and drug addict with no self-discipline and a terrific voice. Having married his maidservant, he always pleads poverty and wears safari-suits with high socks.
Nothing much is known about Lerisha. A very shadowy character that could be the true mastermind behind Schmorgesboard Enterprises. Either that or she’s just a voice in Kromberg’s head.
A High Court judge, but with questionable ethics, Judge Nkomo claims all is above board and that the minister gave him permission to own three major mining conglomerates. As a result, the department of Justice has placed Judge Nkomo in the Magistrates Court. Little do the department realise, this judge still sweeps the occasional court case under the carpet, if the price is right. Mostly he remains a judge for the good parking space he has at court.
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Officer Portia Moetepele
(24) |
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Dr Emanuel Salazar
(38) |
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Patricia Ngam
(26) |
| A police officer stationed somewhere in Mpumalanga. Officer Moetepele had a brief but steamy liaison with Dr Clarence Munroe, when she rescued him from a tree, under a precipice in the Blyde River Canyon.
Having only been in the country for a short while, Dr Salazar is originally from Cuba, and was drafted during the Nkosazana Zuma intakes of the late 1990s. He refused to work in the rural areas, as arranged by the health department, and hence he can only get the occasional locum. This manages to pay the rent - Neurosurgeons are highly paid - and he’s just renting a small bachelor flat. Dr Emanuel Salazar is actually deceased. Nurse Philip Schlenter murdered him; it’s a long story…
A recently qualified lawyer, Patricia Ngam is the daughter of Euphemia and Xolani Ngam, Patricia always wanted to be a lawyer, ever since she saw a bootleg copy of “Cry Freedom”. Patricia started off making tea and is now a senior partner in the law firm of “Ngam and Chesterfield”, who are now fully BEE compliant. So far she has won every case, and slept with at least two judges. Her future in the law is bright.
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Advocate Arthur Chesterfield
(48) |
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Nurse Philip Schlenter
(30) |
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Annabel van Blerk
(38) |
| A confirmed bachelor, Chesterfield lives with his mother. This arrangement is purely for convenience, he could live by himself if he wanted to. He’s not really a terribly good lawyer. In fact, he has lost every case before every court and every judge. Chesterfield is also a paranoid schizophrenic and he doesn’t drink or smoke. He campaigns for Burmese freedom, having met Aung-Sang-Suu-Kyi at a table tennis tournament in high school.
Has always lived in the shadow of his evil father, Dr Hershelle Kromberg. Was accepted into medical school with six distinctions in his matric year, but decided to rather go into nursing, for fear of becoming his father. A mild-mannered, sensitive nurse who just goes about his business, and likes clubbing, Liza Minelli and tight clothes. For some reason he just hasn’t found the right woman to settle down with. Annabel was Montgomery Chandler’s bit-on-the-side for a good 15 years. Upon his death, she thought to claim her share of his money, but failing that, decided to blackmail the rest of the Chandlers. Her mortal enemy, Francesca Chandler, paid her off in a drunken stupor and she now lives on Necker Island in the Caribbean. Annabel is haughty, pompous and completely barren. Her uterus is like the Kalahari. The gossip around town is that the Evil Kromberg also had his way with her in exchange for cheap medical supplies. | |
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Nurse Marjorie Gardener
(52) |
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Dr Clarence Munroe
(48) |
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Ernest Obiarukumu
(25) |
| A shady character - there is no personal file on her in the hospital - She doesn't clock in or out. Nurse Gardener has been conducting an illicit affair with Dr Clarence Munroe for years now. She calls the shots here, a toxic relationship that has led to murder, attempted murder, and lies. She is porcine in appearance with very large feet for a woman. It is likely that she pushed her own mother from the roof of the Chandler Mansion, tied to a piano.
The son of Clarence and Winifred Munroe. Qualified last in his class at medical school. Was accepted into Neurosurgery, because the whole selection panel played golf with his father. Qualified last in his Neurosurgery class as well. His examiners took specific note of his lapse in concentration while operating. Dr Munroe is married to Clarisa and they have no children -his marriage is on the rocks, just like his vodka and lime. The bastard son of Francesca Chandler and Idi Amin, dictator of Uganda. Francesca’s brief affair took place during her stint as an exotic dancer in Kampala, when she and Montgomery were on a trial separation. To protect Ernest from being eaten by his father, Francesca fled back to her husband, Montgomery Chandler, and told him that adopting black babies would soon become a thing famous and rich people did. Montgomery bought it, and Ernest moved in with the Chandlers, in their mansion. Ernest has failed entry into medical school three times, largely due to his dependency on marijuana. | |
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Dr Hershelle Kromberg
(49) |
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Abigail Chandler
(18) |
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Francesca Chandler
(45) |
| Ostensibly runs Schmorgesboard Enterprises. Kromberg, son of Isaac and Nechama Kromberg, was always destined to be very evil - punching holes in his father's condoms at the age of 10, and murdering his speech and hearing therapist at the age of 13. Dr Hershelle Kromberg makes Dr Wouter Basson look like a ballet dancer. Kromberg refused to appear before the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, because "it's all in the past, we must move on, harden the fuck up." He is tense and takes many prescribed medicines. Daughter of Montgomery and Francesca Chandler. Nothing much is known about Abigail Chandler. All we can say is that she was mysteriously impregnated in Dr Hershelle Kromberg's Institute, the institute that nobody knows about, the institute that doesn't exist. Abigail has also unfortunately inherited her mother's addiction to the bottle. She also keeps a small piece of her father's hair in a locket that she wears around her neck at all times.
The wife of Montgomery Chandler, and daughter of Wilma and Hendrick Vermeulen of Colesberg. Francesca would tend to the sheep on her father's farm, until she was 16. On her 16th birthday, Francesca was attracted by the bright lights of Bloemfontein and it was there that she met Montgomery Chandler. Francesca was a cashier at the Shell Ultra City, and Montgomery Chandler was just buying some sparkling mineral water, en route to his holiday home in Camps Bay. Francesca is an alcoholic, a legacy of her early days, when her father Hendrick, had her on the "dop system". | |
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Montgomery Chandler
(57, dead) |
| A very rich and powerful man whilst he was alive, his presence still seems to loom large in this epic drama of intrigue, and total confusion. A major stakeholder in Schmorgesboard Enterprises, Montgomery Chandler died mysteriously when his Cerebral Artery was severed by Neurosurgeon Dr Clarence Munroe. As a result, Montgomery Chandler's 40% stake in the business is up for grabs and his Estate is in dispute. He is known to have fathered many bastard children. | |
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